Tuesday, May 30, 2006

i have the "itchies"

The "itchies" are when you feel like something is on you or you just got bit by something small...but really there's nothing there. That is what i have felt like all nite long. Its driving me nuts. I already scratch at myself and nights like tonite only perpetuate the problem.

I went to see the psychologist or psychiatrist or whatever he is today. We will call him Dr. G. He was very nice and I guess i liked him. I say "i guess" only because i only spent about 45 minutes with him so far. i have another appointment in 2 weeks. (he wanted to see me next week, but he was all booked up) He asked me a whole lot about my past (like my childhood and such) and thats fine and dandy. That is normal I suppose--but i guessi am not as interested in what happened growing up that made me who i am - i am well aware of who i am and what i have been thru (which frankly isnt really much) and i have always been true to myself and aware of myself. I pretty much still am. what has changed is my ability to cope. I have always picked at myself. But only a teeny bit before. and i have always had some trouble sleeping at nite, but now it is ALOT of trouble sleeping at nite. I want to know what has changed since logan was born that made my coping skills go haywire. I know that having a kid is a big change but i expected to come back to normal by the time he was one. he is almost 2 and my mental state is not going back to normal. I plan to voice all of my concerns about this at my next visit, but writing them out here certainly helps me get a grasp on what it is my concerns are. I guess what i dont want is for Dr. G to come back to me and say its my parents fault for such and such reason when i was a kid. I really only want to learn how to stop picking at myself and get a grip on life now. I think these are valid things to think about, but maybe i am just thinking into it too much. he did say, based on what i told him and some of my answers to his questions that it sounds like i have some anxiety and depressive problems and he does think he can help me. He would prefer to do it without meds, which i like, but we did discuss the possibility of them at a later date. Oh-- and my new insurance actually pays for this! well 60% of up to 10 visits a year. Neato. So i can actually pay this on my own and not have to have my dad help me with it. (which i hate to do)

Anywho...

Logan was a TERROR today. Not really sure why tho. He was so very very cranky. and this morning we just figured it was because he woke up at 7. (early for him) but then after his long nap he was still a cranky butt. But he was a cuddly cranky butt. He would want me (or grandma) to pick him up and just hold him. he would put his head on my shoulder and just lean on me. it was sweet, but a little much. Then I would put him down, he'd try to get into something he shouldnt, i tell him no, he has a meltdown. Then he calms down, plays and repeats the process. he went to bed like a champ tho, so... Not too sure what today was about. Hopefully he will be back to his pleasant self tomorrow.

one last thing- I finally got my insurance info and I have a list of doctors and i am scheduling an appointment with a doctor to see about this whole joint thing. which by the way, is still hurting. It is getting very frustrating actually. I mean, really-- whats with the traveling pain thing anyway.. Why cant just one or two things hurt? Everything has hurt since this began. It has gone all over my body and back again. And sometimes it travels slow--like hurting in my shoulder for days and sometimes fast-- like hurting in one finger one morning and by nitetime, the finger next to it instead. I am sure some of the people around me (especially at work- they are all so young and retarded sometimes...they drive me nuts) think i am just either making it up or being a wimp about it. I just hope they never have to deal with this . it really does suck and it is very annoying not being able to do things i am used to doing.

well, that is all for now. i am off to surf the many many blogs i read and then to bed i go. with a new book borrowed from joe: Ringworld by Larry Niven. Yae. i love to read. nitey nite
Kristie :: 11:25 PM :: 1 comments

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