Well, the last few days have been good. Nothing spectacular has happened, i have just been in a good mood and things around the house have gone smoothly.
Joe and I had a nice long talk Saturday night and again last nite. And we spent most of the day together today and got along the whole time. (he stayed home sick from work) When we first talked a few weeks back and he told me he wanted us to separate I was heart broken. I just sorta gave up after that. I made some little attempts to not be so irritable and what not, but overall i just gave up. I made no effort to win him back or show him i cared in any way. In my depression over it all, i just acted defeated. When we talked this weekend, i told him that this long drawn out break up was killing me and that i thought i should just move out now. He had thought the slow break up would be easier to take, but understood completely and supported whatever decision i was to make. But as we got to talking he reminded me of what was actually said that night a month or so ago. He wants nothing more than to make this work. It's just not working right now. If we separate, then that will definitely be a way to see if we are better off together or not. And then if we do get back together, it will be for real and for good. And if not, then we know we tried our damnedest but we failed to make it happen.
Upon reflection, i haven't been acting on the thoughts i have had over the last few weeks, and instead have been very apathetic towards joe instead of desperately trying to show him that i love him and not the dreams and things i have attached to this relationship. (which is what he thinks) this may not make sense to anyone else, because i am horrible at repeating what has been said between us, i get so wrapped up in the concepts and feelings of what has been said that i cant remember the specifics. I know that things are not over by any means, they are just really rocky. And when we separate, they could end, but not necessarily and for me, thats whats important. There is still hope, and its not just mine. its both of ours. And thats a little reassuring.
I have been getting lots of advice about moving back in with the parents. I'll tell you what, my dad certainly seems about as thrilled about the idea as i am, so thats reassuring as well. He doesnt want me there, but he would rather me be there than sacrifice school or live somewhere not so good for logan. So i am beginning to lean towards just sucking up my pride and moving back home. But it is temporary. As long as i go in with a time-frame in mind for when i will move out, then i dont feel as bad.
My parents house used to have a full size, 2 car garage. We turned it into an apartment for my grandfather when he lived with us. It still has a one car garage, and no bathroom, but the potty is right inside the house, so...thats where my dad says he would put me. And logan would have his own room inside the rest of the house. (i would definitely use a monitor there)...So...i would have quite a bit of privacy when i wanted it, which is good. I have given myself til the end of this month to decide. We will see i suppose.
well, good nite, i am tired, perhaps i will be asleep before 3 am tonite...(hopefully)...i go see the head shrinker on friday. Hopefully he can help me out with this sleep thing b/c it is getting old real fast.