Tuesday, April 04, 2006
Well, my last post was most certainly a downer, huh? Sorry about that folks. As some of you may have noticed lately, i have been a little more anxious and sad than usual. Thats why i went to the counseling center at school. I was hoping they could help me learn to deal with it all better. I dont really know how to because i never really had problems dealing with it before. I am not sure exactly how i am different now in that sense. I know that my life in general is different (i'm a mom now, trying to finish school for real this time
, making ends meet because it's not just my ass anymore) but i hadnt realized until recently that my way of dealing with things isnt working anymore. By not coping, i think the problems just grow and pile up. So...my new mission in life is to figure out how to cope with all these crazy feelings. Like i said, I never
had this problem before. When i was younger, i was always able to stay pretty upbeat about things. I would write poetry and listen to music but it doesnt do the trick anymore. Plus i have had some serious writer's block ever since i got pregnant.
Part of the additional stress in the last month or so is because of my relationship with Joe. (and yes Saur- i know i mention Joe's snoring ALL the time! He's been to the doctor and they are working on it)
... Turns out, he's not happy. And hasnt been for some time. I knew things werent peachy-keen for the last few months, but i wasnt aware it was something that bothered him enough to contemplate us splitting up. In fact, we are still thinking about it. Our lease is up at the end of July, and after that we may move into our own separate places of residence. Which i think sucks. I was thinking that this is just a normal low patch in our relationship and that eventually the high would come around. Relationships do that: they go up and down. But Joe feels pretty strongly about this. And the reason we decided not to tell everyone (well decided) was because we are getting along. This is not final. yet. We
are still trying to make it work. The very last thing i want is for everyone and anyone to jump on the "Men are assholes" or "Lets hate Joe" bandwagon. If anyone feels the need to talk about this with me, thats fine, but no bashing of any kind. Thats not where my brain is. Yes i think this sucks and he's a jackass sometimes, but i still love him and want him to be happy. If he's not happy with me, then thats his problem and we can fix that. I cant make him love me. But We have to work this out in some manner that will be best for Logan.
whats been on my mind lately. And yesterday at my parents, when i was sorta down and out of it, my dad kept bugging me what the matter was. (the few times he separated from the group and came across me and logan in the yard) I dodged the question and just told him i am stressed. Apparently after i left, (when joe stayed til 120am) He told them what i just told you in his own words. And my dad wants to pay for me to go see someone because i need to "get right" and he's worried about me. Well thats nice.
I am not sure what to think of all this. It will be kind of nice to be able to write about all that is on my mind now instead of censoring the relationship parts. We'll see how therapeutic this can be. :) Of course, there's always more to it all, but thats the basics. I am sure you can see where i would be a little more stressed out now that i may have to make bills more or less by myself. We make it month to month with little to spare - and thats with the two of us in One house. Now it will be the two of us in two houses. (apartments, whatever)... And the going price of apartments/houses around here are a bit more than what we pay here. So. that sucks.
Ok, that said, i think i will go now. This is a terribly long post. Sorry. I will post more happy things tomorrow. Promise.
11:55 PM ::
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